I forgot "to live"

It's been more than 8.5 long years since i last visited my  native village or my parents native village (as I'm born & brought up in Mumbai) in Kerala - Thiruvalla & Chenganoor. I had been there last in May 2003 - right after my BMS (Bachelors in Management Studies) VIth Sem (final) exams. When i look back now,  i'm not sure why i haven't visit my dear ones there since so long inspite of my parents insistence . At one point of time, i had many reasons - MBA entrance exams,  MBA exams, projects, summer placements, final placements, job hunting, new job etc etc...Today when i look back & introspect,  i feel that they were mere excuses & not real reasons.

I didn't go to Kerala because i didn't really feel the need to bond with my grandparents, relatives, cousins & others. Not because i disliked them or hated the village but just because i was too busy doing things that i considered to be more important  for me  for eg:  go for my higher studies, build a career, earn money, compete and prove myself to the world etc. I was busy in the rat race. Visiting Kerala & meeting my folks there didn't figure anywhere on my priority list. Days turned into months and months into years. I was busy with my life. Initially my folks used to enquire about my Kerala visit, eventually they were tired & stopped enquiring.

Once in a while i used to remember my grandparents, relatives etc in Kerala and thought of visiting them however i wasn't motivated enough because either i had no leaves (PL/EL), or i felt that folks there would enquire about my marriage for which i didn't have any answer and so i hated that question.  I was of marriageable age by now but in no mood to settle down. I even secretly feared that they may force me to get married.

Then one fine day, my parents accomplished the herculean task of convincing me to settle down by finding Mr. Right (read Mr. J) for me. I got married. My wedding was in Gujarat and my very close relatives from Kerala attended my wedding. My folks there expected me to visit Kerala immediately after marriage which again didn't happen due to so called XYZ reason. The result : i didn't visit my native village for the next 3 years. 

Now the big questions are?

• What did i gain by not visiting my native village in Kerala for such a long time? Nothing that i couldn't have gained if i had visited my folks there once in a while atleast for a few days. 
• What did i lose - ( a lot - which i can never possibly express in a few words in this post/blog but i'll still try to pen down in words whatever i can)

             - I lost the chance to meet my maternal grandparents in the final  years of their life. They left for heavenly abode in my absence & I'll  never see them again in this life. Nothing in this whole world can make up for this loss.

            - Couldn't attend/ participate in any family events, wedding etc of my cousins that were held in Kerala.

            - I'm a distant memory for some of my relatives out there. Lot many of new generation kids don't know me. Thanks to my parents, who visit Kerala at regular intervals, some of them know i  exist.

           - missed out on some fun moments, happiness, togetherness, experiences, bonding etc etc...

What is lost is lost forever. Life doesn't have a "rewind" button and so i move on,  learning from mistakes  & promising myself to concentrate on things that truly matter...

(I'm happy that finally i decided to visit my native village in Kerala this Christmas. Eagerly looking forward to this Kerala visit like never before. This time with my better half & little princess (Aaliya). Tickets are booked, bags are packed, just 2 more days to go...yippeee...)

Life through rear view mirror

 Look at life through rear view mirror sometimes to see how far you have come from you started...

- When your capabilities are questioned, look back at the times when you proved the cynics wrong...

- When the going gets tough & the path seems rocky, look back at the storms that you have weathered to reach where you are today... 

- When you feel like a complete loser, look back at the failures that you had faced courageously, disappointments that you had gracefully overcome in the past...

- When your fears & anxieties give you sleepless night, just keep reminding yourself that you have experienced this before for countless things that cease to exist today and believe & affirm to yourself that this too shall pass...

- When the reality crushes your dreams under its feet and all your efforts seem worthless, don't stop believing in the power of your dreams, just remember that your dreams have brought you where you are today & they capable of taking you where you want to be... if and only if you don't give up on them... 

Cheers to Life!!

Beyond words..

It's easy to smile & say "I'm fine", than explain "why i'm not"?
It's easy to say "I don't care" than explain "why i really do"?
It's easy to say "I'm happy" than explain "how i really feel"?
It's easy to say "Life is good" than explain "how it's falling apart"?
It's better to keep your feeling to yourself as those who truly love you..
- can understand the words behind your silence
- can read your face and the thousand emotions that it reveals like an old story book
- can comprehend the pain in your voice
- can look in your eyes  & know everything that you are trying to conceal
- can console you with a glance, gesture, hug or an encouraging pat on your back
& you no longer feel the compelling need to say anything!!
your pain, sorrow, disappointments, anger, frustration, regret  everything vanish into thin air and you are ready to face another day head on!!


At such times, we realise how superficial words really are...
Confusing, meaningless, incapable of serving any real purpose, expressing any real emotion.....

Love : is it really?

On the personal front, last few days have been extremely tough & emotionally taxing. There were emotional upheavals, sudden outburst, cat fights, name calling, taunting, scheming, conspiracy, bitching and every other stuff which defines Ekta kapoor league saas bahu serials and all these in the name of the most overused and underrated word "Love". 

It made me ponder over 2 things: 

• What "Love" really means ? 
• What people really mean when they say that they love someone i.e son, daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, boyfriend/girlfriend?

We hear and speak about love in your daily life without giving a  serious thought about what it really means.

Insecurity, jealously, anger, possessiveness and every other negative emotion known to mankind seems to stem from a single most pure and powerful emotion called "Love". 

My last week's experience taught me what certainly  isn't love? It made me realise that God gives us certain experiences only to draw us closer & to strengthen our faith in him.  Praise the Lord!! - I have also realized that "Love" is much beyond mere mortals like us. Human beings can never truly & fully understand what it really means. We spend our entire life in our delusion of love deceiving ourselves and others with the only purpose of self interest.

St. Paul described the word "Love" very beautifully in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (Bible)

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Very high benchmark, isn't it? Can we now truly say that we love anyone in this world? Maybe our children closest - but can't say 100% sure for anyone?

Why blogging?

Have been reading a lot of blogs off late - maybe due to sheer boredom or lack of any meaningful work at office. I'm awestruck/amazed by the imagination, creativity & language proficiency of bloggers who are less than half my age. There is so much talent around - i feel extremely belittled. Anyway, I'm happy that i have started blogging slowly but surely at the rate of atleast 2 posts a month (plan to double that number in a few weeks time).

I'm on blogger since November 2007, however i haven't written anything much in the past  3.5 - 4 yrs. I started off on blogger, as i was highly impressed by a blog written by a friend's friend and at that point in time, writing a blog was the most in thing to do, hence joined the bandwagon. On the second thought, somewhere deep inside  i was confident that i could do this.

However, i neither had any refined thoughts nor the time to write anything worthwhile, hence apart from 3 posts(1 in 2007 & 2 in early 2008), i haven't written anything. I forgot about my blog completely in 2009 and 2010. Then came May 2011 and i suddenly remembered my blog one fine day. The reason - i'm still trying to figure out - was it post natal depression, nostalgia (missing my maiden home, parents, sibling, friends ,Mumbai, life before marriage), nothing much happening on the career front except for the fact that i'm employed, general boredom or whatever?  I don't know.

Though i'm not sure of the reason, i decided to revive my blog & become an active blogger. I'm certain about one thing - It rejuvenates me, makes me happy.  When i visit my blog & write a post, it's like meeting my best friend, with whom i can be completely myself. Someone to whom i can pour my heart out without the fear of being judged or misunderstood.

Happy Onam 2011

I like Onam..

In fact i like all the festivals, just because of the simple fact that it brings people together.Its the time for caring, sharing, food, colours, sweets, joy & happiness. Right from Shankrant, Ganesh Chaturti to Diwali & X'mas, festival add colours to our life. It's a welcome break from the mundane activities that we do day in - day out for our survival. It breaks the monotony & boredom of routine life & helps us to spend some quality time with people, keeping aside all the trivial differences like caste,creed, religion & most importantly ego hassles & petty politics!!

Happy Onam!! -  whose following me anyways :P..guess I'm wishing myself ;)

Motherhood

Completed 6 months of motherhood & it feels great!!
6 months back on 3rd March 2011, My heart skipped a beat when at around 8.45pm, i heard from my gynaec that its a beautiful baby girl - my bundle of joy. Then had a glimpse of her for a split second before she was taken away by the nurse. I experienced a wide range of mixed emotions in a matter of few seconds that's practically impossible to express in a few words. Aaliya entered my world  & changed it completely


Having a baby makes you realise -

• That you are in this world for a much bigger purpose than getting educated, having a career, earning money.
• That you are not the centre of your universe, your children are.
• That love at first sight does exist.
• That its possible to love someone selflessly 
• How much your parents love you?

• That the joy of giving is sweeter than the pleasures of receiving!!

Reflections...

"Life is the best teacher" - remember this proverb written on my primary school's blackboard many years ago as "Thought for the day", and ever since then have heard it, read it and have said it thousands of times without giving a serious thought about what it really means. Now two decades later and after everything that i experienced  between then & now, i fully agree that - life is the best teacher and she teaches me something new everyday.She not only teaches but also ensures that her students never ever forget the lessons learn't.

Some important lessons that i learned are as follows:

• It's not important to have thousand friends, it's important to have few real ones with whom i can be completely myself.
• Only change is constant - either embrace it with open arms or resist it, the choice is mine.
• Everything happens for a reason - a good reason
• Everything is relative.
• We are more often driven by our insecurities than our desire.
• All unknown things are not bad & all known things are not good.
• All those who smile, wink & agree with me are not my friends and all those who oppose me are not my enemies.
• People are neither black nor white - they are grey, some darker shades & some lighter ones.
• In life, we are fortunate if we have handful of people who genuinely loves us because all others would only be interested in manipulating & using us for their self interest.
• Love & support parents, they are irreplaceable - no one in this whole world can love me as much as they do.
• It's not important to please/impress everyone - being real &doing things that i believe in, is much more important.
• Hard work, sincerity & honesty are priceless virtues, which matters in the long run.
• At times i can feel lonely even in a crowd of familiar faces.
• There would always be some people around me, who may be more fortunate, richer, smarter, prettier, intelligent and capable than me and its fine.
• No matter how much i plan my life, i will never get it 100% right.
• Life's unpredictable, it can change overnight.
• Life is not a competition, its fine to not be the best at everything i do, all the time.
• Failure is not a crime - its just an event like success.
• Money is not everything but it's still very important inorder to lead a comfortable life - money matters!!
• To count all my blessings & being grateful to God for everything i have, many are not as fortunate as i am.
• I'm unique and there's no one in this whole world like me & God wants me to remain that way.
• Reverence for God is above everything else as only he is real in this superficial world.

& the learning continues!!

We learn to live!!

Some unanswered questions...
Some unfulfilled dreams....
Some unattainable goals...
Some unspoken desires...
and in the midst of all these life goes on.... at times challenging our beliefs, values, attitudes, perceptions...
but always surprising us with unexpected twists & turns

Through joy & sorrow, excitement & anxiety, delight & regret, we learn to love, care, share, accept, adapt, learn, unlearn, relearn, compromise, tolerate and sacrifice.

WE LEARN TO LIVE!!

pitter patter rAiNdRoPs...

Wow! its raining!! :)

Its the first rain of this season.Monsoon has finally arrived in Gandhidham, Gujarat. This is something that i have been waiting for since the past so many days...welcome relief from the scorching heat that we have been experiencing since mid April...

Rains bring back some pleasant memories except 7/26/2005

• Listening to raindrops as its hits the window pane.
• Joy of getting completely drenched in rain with friends while returning back from school & contracting cold on the very next day - "I told you not to" expressions from mom.
  
• Trying to float paper boats in muddy water.
• Going for shopping/trekking with friends on a rainy day despite the angry looks/reprimand from elders.
• Relishing on Roasted American Corn (Bhutta) from a roadside vendor.
• Relishing on bhajias/pakodas, vadapav & samosas from roadside vendor despite all scolding/reprimand from mom.

Really miss those day...when life was simpler, having time was not a luxury & rains were meant to be thoroughly enjoyed by being completely oblivious of the surroundings, people around & other trivial concerns....

Hate...hate!!

lost my temper over a particular incident yesterday & it really made me think about the things that i really hate ..that pisses me off completely, makes me furious...things that i really can't stand..

& here's the list & essentially in the same order....

• People taking too much interest in other people's personal life & trying to assume whats wrong /not wrong (or i must say judgmental)
• Unjustifiable & Unnecessary comparison
  
• Unnecessary advice from random strangers
  
• Snobs
  
• Liars
• Stereotypes
  
• Stupidity
  

Absolute bliss!!

• Watching my baby's toothless grin.
• Feeling the 1st drop of rain on my skin after the summer heat.
• Smell of the mud on a rainy day.
• Curled in my blanket on rainy day with a good book.
• Sleeping till late on a winter morning.
• Walking on the beach on an evening with a loved one, feeling the breeze on my face.
• Catching up with old pals after a long time & spending few moments reliving the old memories.
• Visiting a historical site, collecting information & trying to imagine the lives of people who lived there long ago.
• Traveling, exploring places where i have never been to before.
• Watching a good movie on the silver screen.
• Heart to Heart conversation with a loved one (parents/hubby/sister/ a good friend).

And the list continues.....

Amateur writer

Doing or learning something new, something different, something that you always wanted to do but never tried, for whatever reasons. It can be absolutely anything....learning a new language, paragliding, cooking a new recipe, developing a new hobby, anything that makes you feel alive.

I'm trying something new today - learning how to write. Learning how to express my thoughts, share my experiences, perceptions through written words.

Why writing?

I grew up reading comics, novels, fictions, non fictions, biographies, magazines - any good books that i could lay my hands on - loved reading everything except my school textbooks ;) . i was with my books when my friends & cousins went out to play - that explains why i'm so huge even today ;)

Reading is one thing that i'm still passionate about, apart from traveling to new places. Each book/article gives the reader a glimpse of writer's personality. The writing style reveals a lot about the writer, about his/her passion, thoughts, temperament, perceptions etc. Even though the reader might not completely agree with the writer's perspective, there is definite connection between them. At some stage during the process of reading, the reader & the writer becomes one. I'm and will always be a reader but now i also feel the need to be on the other side of the picture.

I feel the need to put my thoughts, experiences, perspective, happiness, anxiety into written words, explore whether i have the talent to do so. I might neither be technically sound in the art of writing nor have great skills in terms of language (English) when it comes to writing. However i would certainly give it my best shot and I'm sure that over a period of time, i will certainly improve.

As they say "Well Begun is half done" :)

(Note to talented & experienced writers: Really admire you all for your writing skills - welcome your suggestions & opinions (+ve & -ve both), please forgive me if i'm unable to do justice to my blog. Help me improvise on whatever writing skills, i have or probably don't have)

Mom's birthday

My mom turned 55 today...wished her in the morning & mind raced back in time....

Reflecting on my relationship with her....

Had my most no of fights with her during my formative years as a kid and as a teenager.
Never seemed to agree on anything....right from our choice of clothes to our perspective towards life everything seemed different. At times, her behaviour embarassed me, irritated me and i used to even consider her as very naive.

But there is one thing that i'm and have always been sure of is her unconditional love - which made her go out of her way to ensure that i do well & get the best of everything in life.

She wept as if her tears wouldn't stop when i migrated to a different town to join my husband after marriage. Today when i live miles away from her - my sheer voice over the phone makes her day.My mom taught me the meaning of selfless & unconditional love which i feel for my daughter today who is 2.5 months old.

One thing that i have started realising offlate is that i'm becoming more & more like her with time. Right from my appearance, to my behaviour , mannerism, perspective - i resemble her in more ways than i could have ever imagined. I'm sure that she has always seen herself in me as i have started seeing myself in my daughter.

Love u so much mom , i'm what i'm today just bcoz of you, you are irreplacable, blessed to have you in my life, can't ask God for anything more....Happy Birthday...God bless you..